I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
