Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
