I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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