I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
