I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
