what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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