Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
