Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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