I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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