I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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