If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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