I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
