Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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