My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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