the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
