I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
