So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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