you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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