yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
