Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
