Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Where is the hickey?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
