umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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