I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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