I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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