I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
