last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
