you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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