I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My hand turned me down
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize