I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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