My sheets look like a crime scene.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
