Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
