Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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