just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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