im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Come see our sink grown plant.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Who died my cat blue again?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
