He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
