Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
