The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
