dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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