you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
