i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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