the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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