If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
