she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
