You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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