I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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