so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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