at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
