Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
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You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
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I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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