I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
