remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
