My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
