New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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