I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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