Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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