I think I won the penis lottery.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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