the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Randomize
