What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
